


All I Want For Christmas Is Another Divorce

by numinousnic



Series: The Plague Upon the House [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: (Mentioned Only And Played For Laughs But Still Worth Noting), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Background Lonely Eyes, Background Relationships, Christmas Party, Creeper Peter Lukas, Just A Good Old-Fashioned Chatfic, M/M, Mostly Crack With A Grain Of Canon, Office Party, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21736417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/numinousnic/pseuds/numinousnic
Summary: stoked:OH MY GODj.sims:Oh, Christ.j.sims:What is it now?stoked:ELIASstoked:JUST THREWstoked:A GLASS OF WINEstoked:IN PETER’S FACEJon skips the Institute holiday party. Luckily (?) for him, Martin, Sasha, and Tim keep him updated on an unexpected bit of drama via groupchat.
Relationships: Elias Bouchard | Jonah Magnus/Peter Lukas
Series: The Plague Upon the House [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1566694
Comments: 90
Kudos: 1069





	All I Want For Christmas Is Another Divorce

**Author's Note:**

> ... Should I be writing the next chapter of _[The Plague Upon the House](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20761388)?_ Probably! But between me realizing that the next chapter takes place during the holidays (and yet will have no holiday happiness in it), [this meta post about how Elias expresses anger](https://numinousnic.tumblr.com/post/189522822792), and [Ben Meredith reading this fake, yet absolutely hilarious Elias line during this past week's charity stream,](https://numinousnic.tumblr.com/post/189551119482/transphantom-peter-youve-embarrassed-me-at-the) this fic idea really just... spoke to me.
> 
> (Also: I will give credit where credit is due and say that _[avatar groupchat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21599185/chapters/51501598)_ by [gayprophets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayprophets/pseuds/gayprophets) was a huge inspiration for the nonsense you are about to read. Go read it if you haven't; it's really fucking funny.)
> 
> For those of you who haven't read _[The Plague Upon the House](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20761388),_ all you need to know is that it's a Season 2 AU where Sasha James and Jane Prentiss are both alive. For those of you who have read _[The Plague Upon the House](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20761388),_ this fic would take place during the as-yet unpublished Chapter 7 if it was serious in any way, shape, or form.
> 
> Enjoy!

**_TODAY_** _3:15 PM_

 **mkblackwood:** jon?

 **j.sims:** Yes, what is it?

 **mkblackwood:** are you… coming?

 **mkblackwood:** to the holiday party?

 **j.sims:** Probably not.

 **stoked:** whaaaaaat

 **stoked:** come onnnnnnnnnn

 **j.sims:** I have a lot of work to get done.

 **Sasha_James:** Jon. You CAN take a break from work every once in a while, you know

 **j.sims:** I’m well aware, Sasha.

 **j.sims:** I also just don’t do parties.

 **stoked:** not even if all ur friends r here? & ur all alone in the basement?

 **j.sims:** Stop trying to guilt me, Tim.

 **j.sims:** Besides, I’m not alone. Jane’s down here, too.

 **j.sims:** As it turns out, she’s not a party person either. Something we unexpectedly have in common.

 **stoked:** ……… actually u 2 can stay down there. might not be a good idea for her to show up at the party

 **Sasha_James:** Rude

 **stoked:** i mean, besides us, elias & rosie, does anyone ELSE know she’s still alive?

 **stoked:** even w/out worms, things could get weird REAL fast

 **Sasha_James:** … Point taken

 **Sasha_James:** In any case, we’ll smuggle out some cake for you two :)

 **j.sims:** You really don’t have to.

 **j.sims:** For me, at least. Jane says she wants cake. And however many hors d’oeuvres you can fit on a plate.

 **Sasha_James:** On it

 **_TODAY_ ** _3:41 PM_

 **mkblackwood:** heads up everyone

 **stoked:** aw shit

 **stoked:** elias is here

 **j.sims:** Well. I’m suddenly very glad I’m not there.

 **stoked:** & someone’s w/ him???

 **j.sims:** What?

 **j.sims:** Who?

 **Sasha_James:** Don’t know

 **Sasha_James:** Haven’t seen him around the building so I don’t think he’s an employee?

 **stoked:** he’s not bad-looking

 **stoked:** in a weird insurance-salesman-meets-sea-captain sort of way

 **stoked:** don’t know WHAT he’s doing w/ ELIAS tho

 **j.sims:** What’s that supposed to mean?

 **stoked:** he looks VERY pleased to b here. elias does NOT

 **mkblackwood:** oh no. they’re coming over

 **_TODAY_ ** _3:47 PM_

 **Sasha_James:** Jon, you’re not going to believe who Elias’ friend is

 **j.sims:** … He’s not a Lukas, is he?

 **j.sims:** That… would explain why Elias is always telling me to not look into any Lukas-related statements.

 **Sasha_James:** Bingo

 **Sasha_James:** Peter Lukas

 **Sasha_James:** Didn’t you record a statement about him?

 **j.sims:** Sounds familiar...

 **j.sims:** Ah. Jane has just informed me I have. It’s case 0110201.

 **stoked:** aka….?

 **stoked:** cmon jon, i know u give all the spooky statements equally spooky titles. what was it for that one?

 **j.sims:**... Boatswain’s Call.

 **stoked:** oh yep. remember that one. i think i walked in on u before u started recording it

 **j.sims.** You did.

 **j.sims:** Anyway, are you three all right?

 **stoked:** yea, just VERY weirded out

 **stoked:** martin, on the other hand……

 **mkblackwood:** tim. i am fine

 **mkblackwood:** i just really didn’t like how peter was looking at me

 **Sasha_James:** Understandable!

 **Sasha_James:** Getting hit on by randos, especially at work events, is the worst

 **mkblackwood:** it’s not like he said anything, though! just the way he was looking at me… like… i don’t know what it was like. 

**mkblackwood:** it was just.... uncomfortably isolating, if that makes sense.

 **j.sims:** Should I come up there? Do you need an excuse to leave?

 **mkblackwood:** i’m good, jon. really

 **stoked:** yeah, elias steered peter away prettttty quickly after peter started eyeing martin

 **stoked:** most considerate thing elias has done in a LONG time

 **j.sims:** Well. Let’s hope Elias and Peter steer clear of you all for the rest of the night.

 **j.sims:** And if either of them give you any more trouble, you have my permission to use me as an excuse to leave.

 **stoked:** “so, SO sorry elias about leaving ur lovely holiday party & ur creeper captain friend, but our terrible killjoy of a boss jonathan sims is demanding that we come back IMMEDIATELY 2 investigate the lukas family & jeopardize the institute’s funding. ta-ta!”

 **stoked:** something like that?

 **j.sims:** … Close enough.

 **_TODAY_ ** _4:19 PM_

 **stoked:** JON

 **stoked:** U R SO SAD UR NOT HERE 2 WITNESS THIS RN

 **j.sims:** I’m sure I’m not.

 **j.sims:** But what’s going on?

 **Sasha_James:** Elias

 **Sasha_James:** He and Peter are having some kind of argument

 **Sasha_James:** Not entirely sure about what

 **Sasha_James:** They’re not yelling and we’re not getting any closer

 **j.sims:** Good. Don’t.

 **stoked:** OH MY GOD

 **j.sims:** Oh, Christ.

 **j.sims:** What is it now?

 **stoked:** ELIAS

 **stoked:** JUST THREW

 **stoked:** A GLASS OF WINE

 **stoked:** IN PETER’S FACE

 **Sasha_James:** And a hush falls over the crowd!

 **mkblackwood:** seriously. it’s so quiet, i can hear the wine dripping.

 **j.sims:** What’s happening now?

 **j.sims:** Martin? 

**j.sims:** Sasha?

 **j.sims:** Tim?

 **j.sims:** … Look, I’m not going to come up there and see for myself, so Jane and I are just going to wait down here for any updates.

 **_TODAY_ ** _4:33 PM_

 **stoked:** ok i think things have calmed down. a janitor’s here @ the very least

 **j.sims:** What’s going on?

 **stoked:** SO

 **stoked:** argument, wine-glass-throwing, everyone silent

 **stoked:** THEN 

**stoked:** ELIAS SAYS

 **stoked:** (i shit you NOT)

 **stoked:** “Peter.”

 **stoked:** “You’ve embarrassed me at the annual Institute holiday party for the last time.”

 **stoked:** “I want another divorce.”

 **_TODAY_ ** _4:38 PM_

 **j.sims:** … I beg your pardon?

 **mkblackwood:** yep. 

**mkblackwood:** i, for one, am still in shock

 **Sasha_James:** There’s just a LOT to unpack here, but I’m going to try my best

 **Sasha_James:** 1\. Elias is married (!)

 **Sasha_James:** 2\. Elias is married to a Lukas (!!)

 **Sasha_James:** 3\. Elias has divorced his husband before (!?)

 **Sasha_James:** 4\. Elias has since remarried said husband (!?!?)

 **Sasha_James:** 5\. Elias is going to divorce said husband AGAIN (!?!?!?)

 **mkblackwood:** …… you know, you laying it out like that doesn’t make it any less baffling

 **j.sims:** I can’t believe this.

 **stoked:** 6\. ELIAS THREW A GLASS OF WINE IN HIS SOON 2 B EX-HUSBAND’S FACE

 **stoked:** i’ve NEVER seen elias that mad, let alone THAT mad THAT quickly

 **stoked:** 1 minute they were having a v quiet & intense argument, the next minute… wine in the face

 **stoked:** ngl i got whiplash

 **j.sims:** I don’t doubt it. That level of anger seems… very uncharacteristic for Elias.

 **j.sims:** Did you see Peter do anything beforehand? Anything that might have caused Elias to react in such a way?

 **Sasha_James:** Not that I saw. Small talk, a couple trips to the buffet. Usual office party stuff

 **Sasha_James:** Aside from Elias introducing him to us, he seemed pretty normal. For a Lukas, anyway

 **mkblackwood:** sasha.

 **mkblackwood:** you don’t think

 **stoked:** oh my god

 **stoked:** OH MY GODDDDD

 **stoked:** 7\. ELIAS FELT THREATENED BC HIS HUSBAND HIT ON ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES IN FRONT OF HIM

 **mkblackwood:** oh hell

 **mkblackwood:** if that’s true, i NEED to get out of here

 **mkblackwood:** as soon as elias gets back from forcibly escorting peter from the building, he’s going to murder me

 **stoked:** not if we murder him first!

 **j.sims:** Tim. Please. 

**j.sims:** Although Jane requests that you give her a five-minute heads-up if you’re going to murder Elias. The basement lift is still out, so she’ll need to take the stairs.

 **stoked:** will do

 **stoked:** the more the merrier!

 **_TODAY_ ** _5_ _:26 PM_

 **mkblackwood:** we’re heading out. 

**stoked:** elias hasn’t come back & the party’s nearly over, so i don’t think we’ll get to murder him 2nite

 **Sasha_James:** Tell Jane I have cake! And many hors d’oeuvres

 **j.sims:** I have.

 **j.sims:** She says thank you and please come back.

 **mkblackwood:** shit shit shit

 **Sasha_James:** Shit

 **stoked:** shiiiiiiiiit

 **j.sims:** … I’m almost afraid to ask, but what’s going on now?

 **mkblackwood:** just passed elias’ office. we had to dodge out of sight

 **mkblackwood:** elias and peter are walking out now

 **j.sims:** That makes no sense; I thought you said Elias was “forcibly escorting” Peter out.

 **mkblackwood:** evidently not

 **stoked:** guys

 **stoked:** GUYS

 **stoked:** ELIAS’ TIE IS MISSING

 **stoked:** I REPEAT: ELIAS’ TIE IS M I S S I N G

 **Sasha_James:** … should that mean anything to us?

 **Sasha_James:** … WAIT

 **j.sims:** Elias is missing his tie?

 **j.sims:** That’s also quite uncharacteristic of him.

 **j.sims:** … Oh. I see.

 **stoked:** YEAH

 **mkblackwood:** tim that doesn’t necessarily mean

 **mkblackwood:** … never mind. i stand corrected

 **mkblackwood:** you know, we should probably go before they see us

 **Sasha_James:** Agreed

 **Sasha_James:** I mean, I think they’re too busy snogging to see us, but agreed

 **stoked:** aaaaaaaaaaand peter just LIFTED elias like a sack of potatoes & carried him BACK into the office

 **stoked:** something tells me they’re not getting re-divorced right away

 **Sasha_James:** Yeah, no kidding

 **stoked:** …… on THAT note

 **stoked:** merry fucking xmas i guess

 **stoked:** emphasis on the fucking ;)

 **Sasha_James:** Seriously, Tim?

 **mkblackwood:** tim i swear to GOD

 **j.sims:** All right, that’s enough tomfoolery for one night.

 **j.sims:** If you’re not back in the basement in five minutes, Jane and I are breaking into Tim’s stash of tiny liquor bottles and drinking without you.

 **Sasha_James:** Excellent idea!

 **stoked:** hell yeah nip drawer

 **mkblackwood:** jon PLEASE pull out the nip drawer

 **mkblackwood:** i’m going to need a LOT of alcohol to forget what i’ve just seen

 **j.sims:** As you wish, Martin.

**Author's Note:**

> [Come join me on Tumblr for more _TMA_ tomfoolery!](https://numinousnic.tumblr.com/)


End file.
